restlessness - (n) the inability to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom.
13 words. That's all it takes to describe this state of mind.
"Maa, I am going over to a friend's place." I say as I open my closet and pull out the first pair of jeans I find. My mother's voice hits my ears while I am brushing my hair, "Wait for a while, I'll ask your dad to drop you," she says. Any other day, I'd have happily accepted the ride but not today. I needed a walk. I needed to get out of my room and stretch my legs and talk to a couple of puppies on my way. I did not want to wait for a while even if it was a matter of 5 minutes. So, I pull up my socks and say as calmly as I could manage, "It's okay Maa. I want to walk." Now, as much as I love walking, she knows I'd never walk over to a friend's place. She gave me a once over and I was waiting for her to ask something but she didn't so I gave her a meek smile and hopped out the main door.
I'd be lying if I said that I have never been restless. I have. But it passes after an hour or so. I manage to find something to do that would have my full attention. This time was different somehow and I have tried and failed to figure out the reason. It's been two days now and I haven't done anything which could be called productive unless you count sleeping. I have tried watching movies and reading books and listening to music; when none of these worked I resorted to the creative stuff - making paper butterflies or flowers or pocket diaries. But even the butterflies didn't manage to captivate me for too long. So I figured a stroll might help.
Strolls do help. Or I should say they allow me to forget a couple of things, if only for a while. They allow me to let my thoughts go astray without the fear of not liking what might pop up. My thoughts jump from nothing to everything - unrequited love to recent crushes to baby pandas to coffee to goodbyes. And there it was. The reason behind it all. Behind me not being able to finish that movie or enjoy that novel. Goodbyes. I have never been good at them. It's like I know that I'll have to bid adieu some day but I am silently hoping that the unicorns work their magic. I couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that my sister was back in New York and it's not long before my best friend leaves for his college too.
And training yourself not to cry doesn't help either. All those tears asking for your permission to roll down your cheeks and you shutting them inside misleads your heart into thinking that you're totally fine. However, your mind knows better. It knows that closing your eyes doesn't make it a night. Those purple walls of your room, once your friend now mock you for not seeing the vacuum that you've created around you. The novels which you used to love so much fail to hold your attention because you turn to share that funny line you just read and find the next seat empty. You can't seem to finish the movie because you know you won't be able to go out for a chocolate ice cream if you didn't like how it ended.
I know I sound delusional but that's how I am. I'd rather have someone hold my pinky finger when I cross the roads rather than them reminding me on the phone to look out for the vehicles on both the sides. But it's alright because I know it will pass. It may take a day or a couple more for me to get used to the empty room and to fill the vacuum. Till then I have my writing. And I'll try reading books too. They might feel bad if I ignore them for too long.
I know everything is going to be just fine when the heart and the mind are on the same page.
