When 2019 had dawned, I had decided that I would write a new blog post every month in the hope to try and find some calm in my chaos. As 2019 is about to end, I sit here with two posts dedicated to the year and a chaotic head. But as they say, it’s the thought that counts, right?
A lot has changed in the past 6ish months - adulting while waking up every single day with the feeling of not wanting to adult anymore, new city, new people, new timezones, new ways of life, knowing what it is like to feel lonely in a room full of people.
Amidst all the changes and the time differences, the person who I run to when I’d run out of places to go remains the same. Whenever anybody says “Oh, I didn’t know you have a sister”, my immediate response is, “Umm, she’s my first cousin”. However, she is so much more than just my sister; she has played the role of a mother when I have needed real-life advice, played the role of a best friend when I have called her up and cried about being out of mango ice cream or when PMS got the best of me, played the role of a therapist when it’s too chaotic to pen my thoughts down.
I am not quite sure if this is supposed to be a thank you note, for words will never be enough to describe the gratitude I feel for having this pure gem of a person as my sister.
Her life could be a total mess, yet she reminds me to breathe for she knows that when I say that I feel suffocated, I am not lying. She knows how real the chaos I talk about is. She has seen me at my absolute worst yet has never judged me but rather accepted me with all my flaws. She has also seen me at my best, knows what I am capable of achieving and has always reminded me that she believes in me; even when I refuse to believe in myself. And I feel privileged to have someone who loves me with all of their heart and a bit more if that’s possible.
When I first decided that I want to write a new post before the year comes to an end, I was not sure what/who to write about because my thoughts were all over the place. As incoherent as they could be. And that's why it makes sense - the fact that this post is dedicated to my sister. Because nobody has been able to attenuate my fears (even the irrational ones) and understand my pandemonium better than her. Sometimes, she does not how to fix things. So, she tells me it will be okay and for some reason, I believe her.
Someday, if we are lucky, we won't have to be on opposite sides of the screen to talk about our joys and sorrows. Someday, we'll make a grilled cheese and have ice cream later to drown the sorrows and dance to happy songs to celebrate the joys. Someday, this will happen. I think both of us are content with the possibility of someday for now. Now, if you ask me, knowing that the existence of someday is a possibility, along with the very many other happy thoughts that I carry in my heart, is a beautiful way to step into the new year.
So, this is me, doing my happy dance, about to hop into the new year, with the hope that I will update this blog on a regular basis - it's always good to hope :)
Oh and also, it is okay if you cannot understand the context behind the title of this post. I am pretty sure, my sister would.
