I have never told my Dad that I love him.

I don't tell my Dad
That I miss him.
Neither does he.

He asks me if I ate properly.
He asks me if my headaches are less frequent.
He asks me if I'm out of money.
Same questions.
Every morning.

I am not sure
If I should tell him
That my head is a mess
On really bad days.
I don't see
how that would help.
So,
I tell him not to worry,
I tell him I'm alright,
I tell him I'm doing just fine.

He tells me the same.

I am not sure
If I should tell him
That my thoughts
Don't let me sleep
Even though the clock,
Staring right at my face,
Is reminding me,
That there is barely a single living soul
On the street.
So,
Instead of picking up my phone
And dialing his number,
I keep scrolling
Through our pictures.

I'm guessing he does the same.

He doesn't talk much,
My dad.
He listens.
Patiently and carefully.
He knows I don't like it
When he isn't being attentive.
He doesn't like being clicked.
He knows me enough
To smile for the 172nd time
For me to click the perfect picture.
He doesn't like being told
What and what not to do.
However, he nods his head,
If it's me on the other end.

He has seen me grow up
From the little girl
Who needed her dad
Every second, minute and hour
To the girl,
Who is independent,
Who he depends on
To be his wake-up call.

In the midst of growing up,
I have seen him grow old too.

I am not sure
If I should tell him,
That the freedom and the independence
Suffocates me
On really bad days.
So,
Instead of ranting to him
About how much better
It would've been
Had he been around,
I ask him if he's proud of me.
He says "Very".

My heart is all giddy.
And everything makes sense
For a little while.

He doesn't talk much,
My dad.
I remember the days,
When we did nothing
But sit on our patio.
I am assuming
He used to think about things
he never mentions
As I fall asleep
In his arms.
I guess that is why
I find silence
more comfortable
than dinner table talks.

So,
here I am,
Sitting on my patio,
Wondering if I should dial his number,
To tell him,
That the sky is clear
And full of stars.
And how I wish he was here,
So I could fall asleep,
In his arms.

I have never told my Dad
That I love him.
Neither has he.

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Things 2018 taught me.

It was four years ago that I started blogging. I wouldn't say I was an exceptional writer but I liked writing. My post would get 50 hits and I'd be the happiest kid.

I have no apparent reason for not posting new blog posts anymore. I did write. I wrote more frequently than I used to. I just never posted anything on my blog. Recently, it hit me that this was supposed to be one of the many little things that made me happy; that could make my day go from "I don't want to adult anymore" to "Everything in my life makes sense now." and I figured if I cannot find time for something that makes me happy, I am doing something wrong.

So, here I am writing my first post of 2019 with the hope that I update my blog at least on a monthly basis and what better way than to make a list of things 2018 taught me.

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1. There are very few things pizza cannot fix. You might gain a little weight but you also gain perspective so I think it's a fair deal.

2. You cannot split people into just two categories - people you love and people you don't love. Some people can be like one of those foods you eat but are not really fond of. My sister told me this and it does make sense, at least in theory.

3. You need to make time for things that make you happy - it doesn't have to be something that everyone comprehends as long as it makes you do your happy dance.

4. It is alright to believe in magic and unicorns and fairies. It's not called living a lie, it's called hanging on to something that keeps you going when the truth is too brutal to digest.

5. Up until now, I used to believe that you cannot stop loving someone - you cannot unlove people - I used to say. 2018 taught me how wrong I was. As it turns out, you can stop loving someone who meant the world to you at some point in your life just like you started loving someone who didn't even exist for you at some point in your life. So, my new belief says, you can unlove people, but it's not something that happens overnight.

6. Sharing your poetry is not easy, it doesn't matter if you're sharing it with 20 people or 200 people. However, you can perform it like you own the room if you do not let the fear of being judged crawl in.

7.  Moving to a new city can be overwhelming. Give it some time and the city will start to grow on you. I promise. You will find places that feel just like home and everything will be alright.

8. You won't need to manage the busy schedule and the time difference to stay in touch with people who matter to you. The time difference will take care of itself as long as you care enough to make that one phone call/send that one text message to make your day/night a little bit better. Long distance is only as complicated as you want it to be.

9. There will be times when you'll feel lost and it's alright. Wander around instead of trying to find your way back home, and who knows, you might hit a jackpot.

10. I am going to end my list with the words of one of my favorite authors, J. K. Rowling - "Personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a checklist of acquisition. Your qualifications are not your life."

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